Random Rambles

To: The woman sitting alone at church, There are several reasons why you might be sitting alone at church.  Maybe you've never been married.  In that case, you don’t have anyone to sit by.  I can imagine that this is hard, but I don’t pretend to know what that feels like. Maybe you have been married, but your husband has passed away.  He would be sitting next to you if he could, but he is no longer able to.  I can imagine that this is lonely and painful, but again, I don’t pretend to know what that feels like. Maybe your husband has a calling that takes him away from you during church.  Maybe he is in a stake calling.  This is difficult.  I’ve been in this situation before.  It’s hard.  Especially when you have little kids.  However, you know that what your husband is doing is a good thing.  He’s fulfilling his calling and trying to be a good man and member of the church.  You know that eventually you won't be sitting alon...

 Things feel like they have settled into a new normal for our family.  Sam and I have come to some compromises in our relationship and have mutually quit worrying about the things that we can’t come to a compromise on.  Basically, we agree to disagree on the things that we can’t figure out. Having said that, every now and then something comes along that feels like it knocks the wind out of me and makes me feel like this is still an impossible situation.  Last week was one of those things. Sam told me that he wants to have his membership removed from the church.  He explained that it will make him feel like he’s able to finally close the book on a really painful story.  It will allow him to move on and not have anymore ties to the church that did so much damage to him. These are things he thinks. I think that Sam is the kind of person that is all or nothing.  I think still having membership in the church, but not participating makes him feel guilty. ...

People have been miracle for me in different ways. Sarah Jen B. Monica Brooke Jen M. Ana I tried hard to push people out of my life when it fell apart.  I didn't want people to see the dumpster-fire that was my life.  It was embarrassing.  I felt like people were either judging me or pitying me.  I didn't want either one.   Luckily for me, while many people did give up on me, a few didn't.  These people were miracles.

Over the last couple of years, the "situation" has been a rollercoaster.  Except, not the fun kind (if you like that kind of thing.)  More like a rollercoaster through Hell.   A few months ago, I was on the part of the rollercoaster ride that was taking me through an extra dark place.  I was a the park walking (Now that I think about it...  Miracles seem to happen when I'm walking.  I should walk more.)  I was trying to alleviate some of the pain in my chest.  The pain that happens when I'm feeling like there is no hope. I just felt like my family was falling apart, and I didn't know how things were ever going to be okay. I wasn't paying much attention to anything around me, so I didn't notice the ladies that were walking the opposite direction as me, coming toward me, until I got to them and one of them stepped directly in front of me. I was a little surprised, and I was wearing AirPods so I stopped and took them out.  The lady held up ...

When Sam "left" the church, it was a hard thing to realize that a marriage relationship isn't as enduring as the "eternity" that I thought.  A marriage is something that TWO people have to choose, and it can end even if one person doesn't want it to.  It was a weird realization that my siblings were more of a certainty in my life than my husband was.  Sam can decide to stop being my husband anytime he he wants to, and I have ZERO say so about it.  My siblings have to be my siblings no matter what.  That was something that I felt comforted by when the bottom dropped out of my world.  Specifically when I thought about Joseph and Spencer.  They live here.  They are active in the church.  I knew that they would be able to step in when I needed them.  Joseph came over and gave me a blessing when Sam told me that he wanted a divorce.  Jospeh also was there to escort Michael through the temple before his mission.  Spencer has been som...

I was thinking. I've begged God many times over the last few years for a miracle.  I realize that without a miracle, my family isn't going to survive.  I don't know what to do.  But God does.  I keep begging Him to do whatever needs to be done to fix this situation that feels like one big dumpster fire. I have seen miracles.  The problem is, miracles are quickly forgotten.   This is my attempt to remember the miracles that I've seen. A couple of years ago, after Sam had told me that he wanted a divorce and he was done with the church I was lost.  I was feeling rejected and hopeless.  I was begging God to help me know what to do.  One day I was walking at the track.  I was listening to a podcast that Emily Freeman was hosting, but I was only half listening because I was crying.  She was telling a story about a boy that, for some reason, was living with her.  There must have been an issue with him and she was fasting and pra...

I had an interesting experience with Sam last week.  I like to open the blinds during the day and let the light come in.  Saturday afternoon I heard Sam yell:  "Krista!  You and your open blinds!"  I went into our room and started laughing when he told me that he was standing there in his underwear when he looked over and saw the UPS guy out our bedroom window, on the front porch.  I reassured him that people can't see in our windows on a bright day like today.  He argued that I was wrong.  I admitted that I might be, and told him to stay there while I went and looked.  I stood on the front porch and tried to see in our bedroom.  I couldn't.  Our bedroom window was open, and I could hear him calling me a faker. I came back in, and suddenly Sam's teasing mood was defensive.  He told me that it was pointless to talk about it anymore because it was obvious that I wasn't willing to admit anything that led me to anything I didn't wa...

On Friday, Sam seemed frustrated.  I asked him what was wrong and he said:  "Oh.  Nothing.  I just hate my life.  That's all."  Over the weekend he got more and more dispondant.  He ignored everyone and stared off into space.  Sunday was Easter, and Sam usually has fun hiding Easter eggs with on Saturday night.  When I went to get the eggs, Sam was already in bed.  I hid the eggs myself and then came to bed.  He ignored me and turned away from me when I laid down.  I was so confused.  I fell asleep begging God for miracle.  Sunday morning, Sam sat silently in his chair while the boys looked for eggs.  He didn't laugh and talk to them like always has.  He just scrolled on his phone and ignored everything they were doing.   After church, when me and boys get home, we usually do a family lesson.  Sam talked about the importance of having something to believe in.  He said that believing in Je...

 It's been awhile.  Things are still a rollercoaster.  Some days I feel like everything is good and I feel hopeful about the future.  Other times...  I realize that deep down I know that my marriage is over and I'm just not willing to accept it. If Sam had never been a good husband or a good dad, I wouldn't feel such a loss in my life.  Sam used to tell a story about when he met me.  He said that he prayed and told God that if he could "have me", he would do whatever God asked.  At one time, Sam loved me and I was worth sacrificing for.  He still sacrifices for me, but it's out of obligation.  The hardest thing for me is how he is with the boys.  At one time, I truly believed I had his the dad jackpot for my kids.  In fact, I was a million percent confident that if I didn't do anything else right as a mom, giving my kids Sam as a dad made me a successful mom.  He was the greatest dad I could ever imagine. Jesse is graduati...

 It's a new year and while not much has changed, everything has changed. Things that I have learned: I can't control anything or anyone.  There is sometimes the illusion of control and security, but that is truly an illusion. Foundation is EVERYTHING.  Everything in your life can let you down and disappoint you.  My closest friends let me down.  My parents let me down.  My husband let me down.  That illusion of security I had crumbled and my life fell apart.  Luckily, I found that my foundation was solid.  My foundation is Christ.  He is the only thing solid thing.  I can always rebuild with Him as my foundation. The church is not as important to me as I thought.  I love the church.  I love the principles that it teaches but it truly just a guide in my life.  It's a tool to help me have a better relationship with God.  It's a tool to allow me to associate with like-minded people, but the church is not my ticket t...

Against my better judgement, I'm sharing some personal thoughts in hopes that it might help increase understanding and expand perspectives.  You can read if you are interested in either of those things. Earlier this year, Sam watched a video and made the mistake of commenting on it.  The response to Sam's comment was two entire videos (almost 2 hours) directed at Sam and how ignorant he is about the church.  As if that wasn't bad enough, hundreds of the commenters joined the hate-train.  Here's a fun little sample of the comments:    "It's clear that Sam is brainwashed."  "I bet this guy doesn't actually know anything about the church and is just a troll."  "I feel so bad that this former member has chosen to join Satan."  "What an idiot." "You need to repent Sam.  Seriously.  Repent before it's too late." "You've swallowed a dead, stinking rat and it's rotting inside of you." My life has re...

 It was a Sunday afternoon.  Sam doesn't come to church with us anymore, so I'd taken the boys to church by myself.  When we got home, Sam was doing his own thing while we got snacks and watched a movie.  By that evening, I hadn't really seen him all day, so I went into our room where he was.  I was aware that he was watching something on his iPad, but started chatting with him as I put some clothes away and straightened up my closet.  I was just going into our bathroom to wash my face when I became aware of the the look on his face.  It stopped me in my tracks.  I can only describe it as hate and contempt for...   For what?  For who?  Me?  I didn't understand so I asked. "Did I do something to offend you?" Sam's reply.  "Why do you think I'm back here in our room with the door closed?  I'm in here because you guys aren't!  If I wanted to listen to you or be around you, I'd be around you." He said other thin...

 I used to think that in order to be happy again, things had to go back to the way they were.  I don't think that anymore.  Things haven't gone back to the way they were, and I don't know what the future holds.   I do know that we seem to be making progress.  I do know that navigating tricky situations and subjects, seems to be getting easier.   I do know that I see little glimpses that Sam still loves me.   I do know that I feel stronger.   I do know that I feel peace and hope for the future.

 I don't know why I'm wasting any more of my energy on this situation.  I guess that, whether I like it or not, this dumb situation had major effect on me. Michael's girlfriend.  Technically he broke up with her and he left on his mission with the understanding that she was going to date other people.  She and I actually had a nice text conversation where I appreciated her apologizing for blaming me for things that she now realizes were not my fault.  We discussed wanting to be on the "same team" with Michael and trying to be a support to him while he serves a mission.  I specifically shared with her the rules that his mission president sent to me.  One was that Michael is only supposed to communicate with people on P-day and can only communicate via email.  No texting/messaging.  She fully agreed and expressed her desire to be a help to him, not a distraction. Less than a week later... I found out that Ellie had tried to get facebook messeng...

 A few weeks ago, Sam told me that confidence is an attractive quality in a person and a girl that is insecure, is annoying.  He was responding to something that I had done that was "needy". I thought about that for a few days and finally sat down and talked to him.  I told him that I had realized that insecurity is born out of realizing that you aren't secure in something that you 1000% believed you were secure in.  If you would have asked me a few years if my husband would "leave" the church and ask me for a divorce, I would have laughed in your face.  That wasn't even a tiny possibility.  And then it happened.  And my world changed.  Trying to figure out this new world, is scary.  When you're married to someone for 25 years, you are pretty good and knowing what kind of reaction to expect when you say or do something.  I suddenly find myself in a relationship where I have no idea what to expect. The other day, Sam asked me how mad I'd ...

 I shouldn't have hoped. Sam's brother has been here visiting and last night I listened to a conversation that Sam had with him. Sam started the conversation by explaining to David the ways that organized religions brainwash people into conforming to their standards.  He talked about how phony patriarchal blessings are and explained that patriarchs are taught what to say and how to use certain words and phrases. He talked to David about wanting to have experiences.  He doesn't want to read about other people doing cool things.  He wasn't to experience things himself.  He told David that real joy would be found in freedom to go where ever he wants to go, and do whatever he wants to do without worrying about what other people want. He confided in David that he's never wanted a family or a house and stable life.  He tried for twenty years to make himself want those things, but the truth is, the life he has is agony for him.  He told David that some people...

 Over the last year, there have been many times when I've been certain that I'm at rock bottom and the only way to go is up.  I think I actually did discover rock bottom a couple of weeks ago.  A couple days after my last post, Sam came home from a work trip.  I could tell he was struggling.  I was getting dinner ready and was trying to keep the mood light by laughing and joking with the kids.  Jesse was bragging about how hard he'd worked that day and I commented that he was working harder than any of us. I didn't know what a trigger that would be. Sam immediately got defensive.  He told us all that he'd worked more that day than all of us put together had worked in the last week.  I tried to assure Sam that I knew that, and I was just trying to boost Jesse's confidence.  After dinner Sam disappeared and I tried to distract myself by helping Jacob get ready for his young mens camp.  Awhile later I found Sam out in the gym and asked him ...

  My heart hurts. This weekend was a lot for my mom heart.  Michael went to the temple on Friday and was set apart as a missionary tonight.  I'm so proud of him and the choices that he is making but for some reason my heart is aching.  My family as I've known it for the last 16 years is ending.  I keep reaching out to my partner, my friend, my husband...  And he's not there. I don't know what to do.  In these moments, I need my person.  I need him to extend love and comfort to me, but I don't think he has any to give right now. I sit here and wonder how I got here.  Where did I mess up?  What did I do to push him so far away?  What kind of person was I to him that made him close himself off to me?  Am I crazy?  Is this all in my head?   Will I ever feel loved again?

 Sam has left our relationship.  Not physically, but emotionally and that is a torture so painful I can't even explain. I still have hope that he will come back, but how long can hope override feeling rejected, disliked, and unwanted before it breaks me? We've moved a lot of times.  I think somewhere around 40 times.  I have a friend that always calls her house, "her home".  Example:  "Would you like to come over to my home for dinner?"  I've rarely referred to our house as "my home".  I think that is because... if every house I lived in was my home, I would have spent a lot of my life feeling sad to leave my home.  To me, Sam has always been my home.  Not even my kids...  Sam.  Sam is home.  Sam is where I belong.  Sam is where I retreat to when life gets too heavy. I feel homeless.  I feel lost, scared, and alone. I just want to go home.

 Les died. It feels much different than I expected it to.  Actually, I'm not really sure I had expectations.  All I know is that it hurts more than I expected it too. Les has been telling us for 3 years that he is going to die at any minute.  He lives with us, and likes to talk to himself (loudly) so I've heard his feelings.  He's sad.  He doesn't feel good.  He has nothing to look forward to.  He's tired.  He misses Janet.  I've heard him cry.  I've heard him get mad.  I've heard him praying.  I've heard him pray for his kids and my kids.  I've heard him pray for me and Sam by name.  It's a very humbling feeling to hear your dad pray for you when he doesn't know that you can hear him. Les has been sick for a couple of months.  He's complained about his stomach hurting. A couple of weeks ago, he went to the doctor and when he went to get off the exam table, he hurt his back.  We thought it was a straine...