To hope or not to hope

 Over the last year, there have been many times when I've been certain that I'm at rock bottom and the only way to go is up.  I think I actually did discover rock bottom a couple of weeks ago.  A couple days after my last post, Sam came home from a work trip.  I could tell he was struggling.  I was getting dinner ready and was trying to keep the mood light by laughing and joking with the kids.  Jesse was bragging about how hard he'd worked that day and I commented that he was working harder than any of us.

I didn't know what a trigger that would be.

Sam immediately got defensive.  He told us all that he'd worked more that day than all of us put together had worked in the last week.  I tried to assure Sam that I knew that, and I was just trying to boost Jesse's confidence.  After dinner Sam disappeared and I tried to distract myself by helping Jacob get ready for his young mens camp.  Awhile later I found Sam out in the gym and asked him if I'd said something to upset him?

What he told me changed everything.

He said that he's lived a miserable life.  He said that he's especially hated the last 20 years of his life and see's everything that he's done as "a waste".  He told me that he wished that he would have known that none of it mattered and that way he could have made different choices and done things to make himself happy, rather than wasting his life on people that didn't care.  He told me that he's an introvert and being around people, sucks his energy.  He told me that the only time he is happy and can actually relax is when me and the kids leave.

What am I supposed to do with that?

I've gone over those words again and again.  If what Sam told me is true, there is no point in staying in this relationship.  I'm not a very good person, but at the very least, I deserve a relationship with someone that doesn't think I'm a waste of time.  I also realized that I can put up with a lot.  I can deal with Sam not loving me.  I can deal with him resenting me.  Those things make me feel worthless, but I'll put up with it as long as I feel like there is even a small chance that my Sam will ever come back.  But...  I will not put up with my children feeling worthless.  Over the last couple of months, I've seen the hurt on their faces when Sam has treated them with contempt.  I realized that my kids are the deal breaker for me.  That is what will make me be done with my marriage and I was ready to make that choice.

And then things changed.

I don't know what has happened.  Sam is still struggling.  We came home from church on Sunday and he was angry with something that was said, and I fully expected him to hate and push me away.  But he didn't.  He told me that he was struggling, but it had nothing to do with me.  He told me that he loved me and appreciated how supportive I've been of him while he tries to work through hard things.  A few nights ago, he was out of town and I was talking to him on the phone.  He told me he loved me and it was the first time in months that I felt like he was being sincere.

But I'm scared to get my hopes up.

I truly feel like I'd finally accepted the reality that Sam and I were done.  I was ready to walk away and move on.  The pain that it took to get to that acceptance was brutal.  What if I let all of this give me hope, only to be forced back to rock bottom?

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