Eternal Family?

 Things feel like they have settled into a new normal for our family.  Sam and I have come to some compromises in our relationship and have mutually quit worrying about the things that we can’t come to a compromise on.  Basically, we agree to disagree on the things that we can’t figure out.

Having said that, every now and then something comes along that feels like it knocks the wind out of me and makes me feel like this is still an impossible situation.  Last week was one of those things.

Sam told me that he wants to have his membership removed from the church.  He explained that it will make him feel like he’s able to finally close the book on a really painful story.  It will allow him to move on and not have anymore ties to the church that did so much damage to him.

These are things he thinks.

I think that Sam is the kind of person that is all or nothing.  I think still having membership in the church, but not participating makes him feel guilty.  I also think that there’s nothing he can do about the “ties” he has to the church.  I, and some of his kids, will most likely always participate.  Sam’s grandkids will probably participate. His family is LDS.  I just don’t think that he can completely leave like he wants.

The real issue for me are his temple covenants, and what that means for me and our family.  As far as I understand, having his records removed, cancels any temple covenants he’s made.  Our temple sealing will not longer be valid or recognized by the church.  The boys being sealed to us will also not be valid anymore.

Of all the things that we’ve struggled though, I think this is the most difficult for me.  It’s something that forces me to look at reality.  No matter how much I love Sam.  No matter if he loves me.  This is something that might just prove that we are on two different paths.  Can I benefit from a sealing covenant if my husband has it cancelled?  Are my boys still “my” boys?

Many of the difficulties that I’ve faced in my life, I’ve been able to feel peace because I could hold onto to the knowledge that THE most important thing was my family.  My family was eternal, and no matter what, I could take comfort in that because I knew that it would all be okay in the end.

I don’t have that anymore.

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