Church culture vs. Gospel

 Holy moly.  I've discovered that I'm someone who really can't move on without dealing with issues.  This can be both a good thing and a bad thing.  It's good because I don't "sweep things under the rug" and hope they disappear.  I clean them up.  But also...  If it's a situation that I isn't easy to clean up, I can't just ignore it.  It's all I can see and think about and it consumes me!

These latter of these scenarios is why I blog.  When I can't confront the situation in real life, I let it all out here.

We've gone to church for three weeks in a row now.  The first week, I fought back tears.  The last thing I wanted, was for my kids to see me sob through our first time going back to church.  Last week, was okay.  I didn't love it, but I didn't have any kind of physical/emotional reaction to it.  Yesterday was back to bad.  It was okay for a bit, and then suddenly I could feel my body taking over.  My heart started to pound.  I felt like I was choking.  My hands started to shake.  The second the "amen" of the closing prayer was spoken, I ran straight for the car.  

When I got home, I let the jumbled mess of thoughts come out while Sam listened.  Here's what I realized...

I love the gospel.  My relationship with God and the Savior is the greatest gift in my life.  I find peace and acceptance there.  But...  I hate the culture of the church.  One on one, I have no issues with the members.  It's the collective mentality that I just can't do anymore.  I hate how we all have to do things the same way.  I hate how we all have to dress the same way.  I hate that we all have to think the same way.  We say that we don't, that we accept diversity, but what happens when someone expresses thoughts and opinions that aren't comfortable?  We all shun them.  Maybe not obviously, but we all know that the black sheep isn't really part of the group.

I'm guessing that if you're part of the group that likes things the way they are, you probably think I'm wrong.  Fine.  Lets do a little experiment.

I think that its stupid that we make our boys all wear the same uniform to pass the sacrament.  I think they should be able to wear whatever color shirt they want.  It drives me crazy that someone who drinks 2 liters of soda a day, or weights 300 pounds, judges someone that drinks a cup of coffee in the morning because they aren't living the word of wisdom.  It hate that we teach our girls that showing their shoulders, wearing a 2-piece swimsuit, or wearing shorts more than 2 inches above her knees, is slutty.  I hate how we teach our boys that a mission is what everyone needs to do.  I really hate how we teach dating and chastity to our kids.  We drill it into their heads that sex and anything that has to do with sex, even the desire for it, is disgusting and evil.  We try and scare them about the dangers of dating, kissing, and thoughts of sex, for 20 years and then wonder why they have intimacy problems with their spouse after they get married.  I hate how we preach that everyone is welcome at church but then send out a bulletin every week that reminds us for the billionth time that if we don't wear a mask, we aren't welcome.  Or if someone comes in jeans, we wonder why.  Or if someone doesn't follow the normal Sunday School scripted answer in classes, we squirm. 

How did that experiment go?  Did you feel like you wanted to set me straight?  Did you feel like you wanted to explain to me why I'm wrong?  Did you feel like you wanted to defend all those things and why they're right and my opinions about them are wrong?  Did it make you uncomfortable to hear a perspective that is different than yours?

I think that the church teaches many good values that I want my kids to learn.  But I'm also realizing that there are many things that it teaches that I think are destructive.  (By the way, when I say "the church", I mean the way that we as people interpret doctrine.)  I think that the church teaches our kids that there is one right way to do things.  I think that's crap.  I also think that creates way too much pressure on someone in the stage of life that Michael is in.  Imagine looking at your life and thinking that, out of the billions of choices there are to be made, you have to fine the ONE choice that is right for you.  Imagine looking at the millions of people, and thinking that you need to find the ONE right person to marry or you'll destroy the rest of life.  NO!!!  That's not how it is!  We use this language of "right" or "wrong" choices when NO!!  There are just choices.  You make the best choice you can based on your current perspective.  If the choice leads you down a path that you want to be on, great.  Keep making that choice.  If it doesn't, reevaluate and make a new choice that does.  Obviously I'm not talking about choices like murdering someone.  We all know that's a bad choice.  I'm talking about the choice of whether or not to date someone.  I'm talking about the choice of whether or not to go to Sunday School, or ward activities.  I'm talking about whether or not to go on a mission.  Or what college to go to...  Or even whether or not to even go to college at all!  These are all just choices.  I want to teach my boys that most choices aren't right or wrong.  They're simply to something to help us progress.  The good or bad consequences are what we learn from.  If we encounter a bad consequence, we try again.  I think that's what the atonement and Jesus teach us.  It's the church that has inserted their own wording (Ex: "Choose the right") and perspective on these kinds of things.  

I realized yesterday that my overwhelm and panic attacks are because I don't fit the mold anymore.  I'm not willing to shove myself into the good-little-mormon-girl box anymore.