Now what?

 I shouldn't have hoped.

Sam's brother has been here visiting and last night I listened to a conversation that Sam had with him.

Sam started the conversation by explaining to David the ways that organized religions brainwash people into conforming to their standards.  He talked about how phony patriarchal blessings are and explained that patriarchs are taught what to say and how to use certain words and phrases.

He talked to David about wanting to have experiences.  He doesn't want to read about other people doing cool things.  He wasn't to experience things himself.  He told David that real joy would be found in freedom to go where ever he wants to go, and do whatever he wants to do without worrying about what other people want.

He confided in David that he's never wanted a family or a house and stable life.  He tried for twenty years to make himself want those things, but the truth is, the life he has is agony for him.  He told David that some people get old and find joy in visiting and supporting their grandkids.  He specifically mentioned that old people want to go to their grandkids baptisms, but for Sam, that kind of life sounds like literal Hell.

Here's the problem.  I want all that.  I want to be surrounded with people I love.  I want to have experiences too.  But the experience isn't as important to me as WHO I experience things with.  When I think about some of the great adventures I've had, the memories that stand out to me are the people I was with.  Not necessarily what we were doing.

To Sam, supporting our family and always being part of their lives, sounds like Hell.  To me, that's joy.  It's really the ONLY thing that matters.

So...  When two people see their lives and their future so different...  What then?

What do I do when the person that I love most in the world, the person that I've spent the last 25 years building a life with, hates the life we've built?

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Words or actions?

On Friday, Sam seemed frustrated.  I asked him what was wrong and he said:  "Oh.  Nothing.  I just hate my life.  That's all."  Over the weekend he got more and more dispondant.  He ignored everyone and stared off into space.  Sunday was Easter, and Sam usually has fun hiding Easter eggs with on Saturday night.  When I went to get the eggs, Sam was already in bed.  I hid the eggs myself and then came to bed.  He ignored me and turned away from me when I laid down.  I was so confused.  I fell asleep begging God for miracle.  Sunday morning, Sam sat silently in his chair while the boys looked for eggs.  He didn't laugh and talk to them like always has.  He just scrolled on his phone and ignored everything they were doing.   After church, when me and boys get home, we usually do a family lesson.  Sam talked about the importance of having something to believe in.  He said that believing in Je...
Read more

Church culture vs. Gospel

 Holy moly.  I've discovered that I'm someone who really can't move on without dealing with issues.  This can be both a good thing and a bad thing.  It's good because I don't "sweep things under the rug" and hope they disappear.  I clean them up.  But also...  If it's a situation that I isn't easy to clean up, I can't just ignore it.  It's all I can see and think about and it consumes me! These latter of these scenarios is why I blog.  When I can't confront the situation in real life, I let it all out here. We've gone to church for three weeks in a row now.  The first week, I fought back tears.  The last thing I wanted, was for my kids to see me sob through our first time going back to church.  Last week, was okay.  I didn't love it, but I didn't have any kind of physical/emotional reaction to it.  Yesterday was back to bad.  It was okay for a bit, and then suddenly I could feel my body taking over.  My hear...
Read more

Grief: Mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow.

 Les died. It feels much different than I expected it to.  Actually, I'm not really sure I had expectations.  All I know is that it hurts more than I expected it too. Les has been telling us for 3 years that he is going to die at any minute.  He lives with us, and likes to talk to himself (loudly) so I've heard his feelings.  He's sad.  He doesn't feel good.  He has nothing to look forward to.  He's tired.  He misses Janet.  I've heard him cry.  I've heard him get mad.  I've heard him praying.  I've heard him pray for his kids and my kids.  I've heard him pray for me and Sam by name.  It's a very humbling feeling to hear your dad pray for you when he doesn't know that you can hear him. Les has been sick for a couple of months.  He's complained about his stomach hurting. A couple of weeks ago, he went to the doctor and when he went to get off the exam table, he hurt his back.  We thought it was a straine...
Read more