Ya. But it still hurts

 It was a Sunday afternoon.  Sam doesn't come to church with us anymore, so I'd taken the boys to church by myself.  When we got home, Sam was doing his own thing while we got snacks and watched a movie.  By that evening, I hadn't really seen him all day, so I went into our room where he was.  I was aware that he was watching something on his iPad, but started chatting with him as I put some clothes away and straightened up my closet.  I was just going into our bathroom to wash my face when I became aware of the the look on his face.  It stopped me in my tracks.  I can only describe it as hate and contempt for...   For what?  For who?  Me?  I didn't understand so I asked.

"Did I do something to offend you?"

Sam's reply.  "Why do you think I'm back here in our room with the door closed?  I'm in here because you guys aren't!  If I wanted to listen to you or be around you, I'd be around you."

He said other things, but that was the "gist" of it.  That and dozens of situations similar to it, broke me.  I'm literally a different person because the old Krista was broken with words from a man that I thought loved me unconditionally.

I now find myself in an unexpected and hard situation.  Things have gotten so much better.  I've watch Sam struggle with hard things and make hard choices.  He's chosen to stay.  He's chosen to commit to his family and our marriage.  Life is different than it used to be, but it's (mostly) good and I feel happy.

But occasionally I find myself feeling things I don't want to feel.  I feel myself wondering how the person I trusted most in this world, could hurt me so much  that I truly didn't think I could recover.  How can I ever completely trust someone again that told me that he didn't love me and didn't want me or my kids in his life anymore.  How can I forgive someone that purposely said things to me that crushed me?  

When I was a kid, I must have watched The Lion King a hundred times.  There is a scene where Rafiki hits Simba in the head with a stick.  Simba asks why he would do such a thing and Rafiki says, "Who cares!  It's in the past!"  Simba, as he rubs the bump on his head, says:  "Ya.  But it still hurts."  And then...  The profound lesson:

"Oh yes, the past can hurt.  But from the way I see it, you can either run from it, or learn from it."

I wish that Rafiki was here to tell me which situation I'm in.  Because, the truth is, there are some situations that what Simon should learn is to run.  If it had been an alligator that had jumped up out of a lake and tried to eat him...  Probably Simba needed to learn to run from lakes with alligators that want to eat him.  

I want to learn to forgive.  But also...  I don't want to be stupid and get eaten.

I want to learn from the past, but it's my choice what I choose to learn.  In this situation, do I learn humility, trust, and forgiveness or do I learn to run?  

Either way, how can I not let the past ruin my future?

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