Broken promises

 In my church, we are taught that 2+2=blessings.  We are taught that there is a sequential order that God expects us to do things and when we do things in that order, we get rewards.

This has not been true in my life.

Many years ago, my heart was aching because I couldn't get pregnant.  My whole life, I'd been taught that family was most important and that being a mother was my purpose on this earth.  I had been a "good girl" in high school.  No sex.  No drinking.  I'd participated in my young women classes and earned my YW medallion.  After I graduated high school, I got married in the temple.  We waited a year and then decided to have a baby.

Except, no baby.

Years came and went, and still no baby.

One weekend, after another failed infertility treatment, Sam and I were walking into a county fair.  We passed a group of teenagers who were all smoking.  One of the smoking teenagers was pregnant.

WHAT?!?!?!

She...  SHE gets to have a baby?!?!?!

That was the first time where I felt like I hated God.  He'd lied to me.  I'd kept my end of the bargain and he was giving my blessings to a 16 year old, unmarried, smoking high school student that hadn't done any of the sequential order expectations!

Here I am again.

I've done the things.  I've had a current temple recommend for 25 years.  I've gone to church every Sunday.  I've kept the sabbath day holy.  I've been in RS, YW and primary presidencies.  I've gone to all the ward activities.  I've supported my husband as EQ president and been a single mom when he went on more scout camps that I can count.

My church resume goes on and on.  I feel like I've kept my end of the bargain so why am I here?

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