I miss my kids' dad

 It's been awhile.  Things are still a rollercoaster.  Some days I feel like everything is good and I feel hopeful about the future.  Other times...  I realize that deep down I know that my marriage is over and I'm just not willing to accept it.

If Sam had never been a good husband or a good dad, I wouldn't feel such a loss in my life.  Sam used to tell a story about when he met me.  He said that he prayed and told God that if he could "have me", he would do whatever God asked.  At one time, Sam loved me and I was worth sacrificing for.  He still sacrifices for me, but it's out of obligation.  The hardest thing for me is how he is with the boys.  At one time, I truly believed I had his the dad jackpot for my kids.  In fact, I was a million percent confident that if I didn't do anything else right as a mom, giving my kids Sam as a dad made me a successful mom.  He was the greatest dad I could ever imagine.

Jesse is graduating high school.  He asked about a graduation party.  Michael opted for the cash we would have spent on a party and no party.  I offered that to Jesse, but he is thinking that he'd like to do a combined party with several of his friends.  I mentioned it Sam this morning and Sam was immediately annoyed.  He said things that made it clear that having grad party was a huge inconvenience for him and something that he thought was stupid.  The gut wrenching part is watching the faces of my boys when Sam makes it clear that they are an inconvenience in his life.  He often makes comments about how expensive they are.  He makes sure that they know that he is working hard and doing a job that he literally hates so that he can pay for all of us to have a a good life.  Somehow in his brain, that is a noble thing.  He doesn't understand that while we appreciate the sacrifices he is willing to make for us, the guilt that we feel makes us wish for less money and more Sam.