Be nice or be quiet

Against my better judgement, I'm sharing some personal thoughts in hopes that it might help increase understanding and expand perspectives.  You can read if you are interested in either of those things.

Earlier this year, Sam watched a video and made the mistake of commenting on it.  The response to Sam's comment was two entire videos (almost 2 hours) directed at Sam and how ignorant he is about the church.  As if that wasn't bad enough, hundreds of the commenters joined the hate-train.  Here's a fun little sample of the comments:   
"It's clear that Sam is brainwashed." 
"I bet this guy doesn't actually know anything about the church and is just a troll." 
"I feel so bad that this former member has chosen to join Satan." 
"What an idiot."
"You need to repent Sam.  Seriously.  Repent before it's too late."
"You've swallowed a dead, stinking rat and it's rotting inside of you."

My life has revolved around the gospel since the day I was born.  The people who made these comments represent my "brothers and sisters".  The experience of having my husband leave the church has been scary and confusing to say the least.  When I experience something hard, I look to family/friends to support and help me.  To be fair, some of the people in my real-life ward family have been incredibly supportive.  However, that doesn't make these comments hurt less.  
My request and motivation for sharing is a plea.  Next time you are tempted to assume something about someone you don't know, STOP.  Maybe you extend grace.  Maybe you show compassion and love.  Maybe you imagine that the person you are judging is your husband, brother, dad, or other loved one and they are hurting.  Maybe at the very least, if you can’t be nice, be quiet.

The following is the response I WANTED to share on the video directed at Sam, but knew it would be pointless.

Sam is my husband.  The comments and assumptions about him here break my heart.  We were married in the temple almost 25 years ago.  We've had a lifetime of participating and serving in the church.  Sam has been in bishoprics, young men's presidencies, and elder's quorum presidencies.  He was the EQ president when Covid happened.  Ward members often referred to him as the "yes" man.  He would say "yes" to every opportunity to serve and participate.  I'm certain that he holds some kind of church record for helping people move.  Over the last few years, he lost both his parents (his mom to cancer, then his dad who was living with us) and his job.  He also experienced several other traumatic events.  The last few years have been devastating in a way that made him reevaluate his life and the purpose of it.  Sadly, instead of finding peace, and comfort in the church, he found judgement and confusion.  
I believe that there is some truth to what you said in this video.  Things like Mormon Stories have played a role in helping Sam see the church through a filter of, at best negativity, and at worst lies and deceit.  I've have listened to several Mormon Story podcasts, and while a few of the stories seem to have some genuine motives, the overall feeling I get from it is anger, and contempt.  The host comes across as thinking he is superior in his belief that he has had his eyes opened to the truth and feels sad for all of us poor pathetic people that are still brainwashed little sheep.  To be honest, this is the first video that I've watched of yours, and I felt those same things as I listen to your harsh words for a man that you do not know anything about.  
Sam has had a genuine desire to find truth.  Truth is more easily recognized when it is presented with love.  Truth that is presented with mocking (literally laughing at him) and bewilderment that he could be so stupidly deceived, creates contention and defensiveness.  Sadly, Sam seems to find more love and acceptance from people out of the church than he finds from people in it.  Over the last 2 years, my heart has broken for myself, and my kids.  Our life that has been tipped upside down, and we are struggling to figure out how to navigate this new one, while knowing that it might require decisions that I don’t want face.  But mostly for my heart breaks for Sam.  I can't imagine what it would be like to find myself in a place where everything suddenly looked different.  It would be terrifying and I'm guessing that most of us would do what Sam is doing, and look for something, ANYTHING to hold on to that makes sense.  I hope and pray that one day the church and its teachings are what makes sense to Sam again, but in the meantime, and whether or not that ever happens, the Christlike response to any of the "Sam's" in our life is love.  Love is the only thing that truly changes people.  Not an entire video meant to point out someone's faults and delusions.

"There really is no way we can know the heart, the intentions, or the circumstances of someone who might say or do something we find reason to criticize.  Thus, judge not."  Thomas S. Monson, Charity Never Faileth Oct. 2010
"Anger never persuades.  Hostility builds no one.  Contention never leads to inspired solutions." President Russell M. Nelson, Peacemakers Needed April 2023
"One of the easiest ways to identify a true follower of Jesus Christ is how compassionately that person treats other people."  President Russell M. Nelson, Peacemakers Needed April 2023
"Contention drives away the Spirit - every time.  Contention reinforces the false notion that confrontation is the way to resolve differences; but it never is.  Contention is a choice.  Peacemaking is choice."  President Russell M. Nelson, Peacemakers Needed April 2023

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