Random Rambles

 Several years I ago, I read a book about antifragility.  Elder Anderson gave a talk that illustrated this concept.   If a tree grows up in a windy environment, it's stronger than the same type of tree that grows in a protected, not-windy environment.  The wind actually stimulates cell growth in the tree that produces the trunk and branches to get bigger, and the roots to grow faster and stronger. Elder Anderson related this to people.  We are on earth to experience temptation and trials.  Those things make us stronger. Usually. Several years ago, I hike the Grand Canyon (rim to rim to rim).  I had never done anything like that before.  Our friend, Brian, tried to warn me how difficult the hike was but I didn't understand.  How hard could it be?  You just walk all day. Silly Krista. It was probably the hardest physical challenge I've ever done and I came away from the experience with physical damage.  I had never had issues wit...

 In my church, we are taught that 2+2=blessings.  We are taught that there is a sequential order that God expects us to do things and when we do things in that order, we get rewards. This has not been true in my life. Many years ago, my heart was aching because I couldn't get pregnant.  My whole life, I'd been taught that family was most important and that being a mother was my purpose on this earth.  I had been a "good girl" in high school.  No sex.  No drinking.  I'd participated in my young women classes and earned my YW medallion.  After I graduated high school, I got married in the temple.  We waited a year and then decided to have a baby. Except, no baby. Years came and went, and still no baby. One weekend, after another failed infertility treatment, Sam and I were walking into a county fair.  We passed a group of teenagers who were all smoking.  One of the smoking teenagers was pregnant. WHAT?!?!?! She...  SHE gets to ha...

 Lets talk about the girlfriend. Timing of things can either help or hurt a problem.  Michael started dating a girl last year.  This girl was someone that I've always loved, so I was excited about this new relationship.  Sadly, that excitement quickly faded.  During a year where I was feeling worthless and insecure, girlfriend only added to those feelings. I don't know how every woman reacts, but for me, when I started realizing that I might lose the relationship with my husband, I felt desperate to hang onto the relationships with my kids.  I'm sure I did things that were frustrating for girlfriend, but suddenly it was very obvious that she didn't approve of how I parented her boyfriend.  I constantly felt like I had to defend my rules and actions.  Michael has always been pretty understanding and accepting of the things I do, but suddenly he started seeing me through his girlfriends eyes and he began to hate me as much as she did.  The pain...

As I mentioned in my previous post, people often ask me what they can do to support me and my family. I don't have an answer to that. I CAN tell you some things that I know DO NOT help. Several months ago, I was struggling.  I couldn't talk to anyone about why, so instead, I started talking to some close friends about other issues.  My subconscious hope was that I would get the empathy and support I desperately needed, without having to tell them what was actually going on. I think that at some point my friend had simply had enough of hearing me complain and finally told me:  "When I start feeling like you are feeling right now, I realize it's because I'm being selfish and I need to serve other people." I was stunned.  I wanted to scream at her that if husband came one day and dropped the bombshell on her perfect life, that my husband had dropped on me, I'm pretty sure service would fix it. A few friends have admitted to me that they are hurt by how distan...

 For a long time I was there was only one person that knew what was going on and that was because she just happened to be watching when I had a very ugly meltdown.  Since then, I've shared with a few people and many of them have asked me the same thing... "What can I do to help?" The real answer is...  "Nothing" but people don't like to hear that.  Also, people that are close to me feel a tinge of hurt when they realize that I haven't trusted them enough to let them in.  That's not really how it is. Several years ago, I had a close friend get a divorce.  It was a shock and I remember wondering why she hadn't let her friends help and support her.  Now I know.  There are so many reasons.   First, the reason I haven't shared is because of my previous answer.  There is nothing people can do.  And that's hard for people. Another reason...  when you are dealing with something that you can't deal with, you can't support other peo...

 A counselor is who recommended that I write all my feelings and I'm finding it to be very helpful and healing so I'm going to continue. I had a very deep and interesting conversation with Michael last night.  He admitted that he feels some hesitation about going on a mission because he doesn't believe many of the things that other missionaries believe.  He doesn't have a desire to convince people to join our church.  He sees value in many different religions and lifestyles.  While he is interested in teaching people about Jesus, and doing service, he's not interested in telling people that they have to join our church in order to find true happiness. I was surprised, but also grateful with how honest he was willing to be with me.  I asked him why he hadn't ever shared these things with me before and he said he didn't know.  I think I know why. Our church teaches a very narrow way of doing things, and we all know the "correct" answers.  There have...

 One of my most surprising realizations is that the church I thought was right for everyone, isn't. I always believed that the church brought happiness to everyone.  All they had to do was follow the rules.  2+2 always equals 4.  That might be true in math, but with people, it's much more complicated. My brother is gay.  You can have your opinions on that, but the bottom line is, doing the churchy things that people promised would bring him happiness, didn't.  The church is not good fit for him. It's surprising to me that I no longer believe that the church is not a good place for Sam.  His entire life he has felt judged.  He has felt manipulated.  He has felt guilted into doing certain things.  He's felt inadequate.  He's felt worthless.  He's felt defensive and forced.  He has felt like his worth in the eyes of other people was contingent on how righteous he looked at church. For the most part, this is not the message I ...

 When I realized that Sam was done, I realized something about myself. I love Sam.  I love our family.  I love our life together and I'm willing to fight with everything I have to keep it. The hardest part of all of this, is realizing that I'm only half of a relationship.  I can't control what Sam wants or what he chooses to do, but I can control what I do. Another hard part of the last six months is being honest with myself.  I've spent 20 years trying to change Sam.  I've spent 20 years making Sam feel like he needed to be who I wanted him to be in order to be worthy of my love.  I'm actually quite impressed with how long he was able to put up with that.  If he had treated me the way that I've treated him, I would have been done with him a long time ago. Sam has never been anything but encouraging and supportive of what I want to do and be.  I've never been anything but critical and negative about his ideas and plans. Who wants to live with...

 A few months ago, Sam took Michael to a NBA game.  I've noticed that ever since that game, when Sam is watching a game on TV, Michael will come in and watch it with him.  When Sam watches sports with his friends or brothers, they talk about the game, the refs, the players, the calls, etc.   Anyway.  Michael asks lots of questions while he watches bball with Sam, and I started noticing that Sam seemed very annoyed with Michael.  He will often flat-out ignore Michael.  One night there was a game on, Michael asked a question and Sam stared at the TV and didn't acknowledge Michael.  Michael looked over at me with a look on his face that asked if I thought he should ask his question again...  I shrugged.  I didn't know. The next day I got up the courage to bring it up with Sam and told him that I didn't know if he was aware that he seemed annoyed or unresponsive with Michael.  He immediately got defensive.  He told me that he ...

 Perspective is a funny thing.  I could write about everything that has happened over the last year and you still wouldn't know the real story.  Me writing about it, only tells my side.  I’m also aware that I could easily edit my side to make people see what I want them to see.  I have no doubt that I could make Sam look a horrible person. But the thing is, Sam isn't a horrible person.  Sam is a good person.  I've spent the last 25 years assuming he knew that he was a good person and assuming he knew how much I love and appreciate him.  Now I look back and wonder what would make me think that he knew that.  I certainly never told him. I always saw Sam as a rock.  Unbreakable.   Rocks break. The last year has been hard for me.  But I know that it has been even harder for Sam.  I still have most of my foundation.  My family.  My religious beliefs.  Sam has lost it all.  Three years ago, he lost him m...

 Twenty years ago, my aunt found out her husband was having an affair.  She decided to stay with him.  I was shocked.  I confidently told myself that if I was ever in a situation where my husband didn't want me, I'd dump him without hesitation. What I silly little girl I was. When you are 20+ years into a marriage, it's not so easy to dump the life you've built with someone.  Not only that, but you don't want to.  Just because someone hurts you, or doesn't want you, doesn't turn off the love you have for them. When Sam told me he wanted a divorce, he did it in a text message while he was out of town.  He explained to me why and expressed his concern for me, but was confident that it was for the best.  Then he sent it, and turned off his phone.  The second I started reading the message, I knew where it was going.  I felt my blood turn to ice and then drain from my body.  When I read the words I knew were coming, the pain and shock I ...

 Once upon a time, this blog was a creative mental outlet for me.  As a young mom with little kids, I needed a place to go to vent and express my feelings. I'm at that place in life again.  I need to vent.  I need to talk through my thoughts and feelings and hopefully move on. The last year has been, by far, the hardest of my life.  I've become very familiar with my closet floor…. I spent hours there wondering how I got “here” and trying to pull myself together for my kids.  Pretending my world wasn't falling apart was literal torture.  It’s the loneliest feeling in the world. In a nutshell... Last year I started to struggle with cultural inconsistencies in the church I'm a member of.  I knew that Sam was struggling too, but I thought he was struggling with the same cultural things that I was.  I was wrong.  Last fall he told me that he doesn't believe in the church and never has.  He told me that he thinks the prophets are manipula...