Reframing

 A few months ago, Sam took Michael to a NBA game.  I've noticed that ever since that game, when Sam is watching a game on TV, Michael will come in and watch it with him.  When Sam watches sports with his friends or brothers, they talk about the game, the refs, the players, the calls, etc.  

Anyway.  Michael asks lots of questions while he watches bball with Sam, and I started noticing that Sam seemed very annoyed with Michael.  He will often flat-out ignore Michael.  One night there was a game on, Michael asked a question and Sam stared at the TV and didn't acknowledge Michael.  Michael looked over at me with a look on his face that asked if I thought he should ask his question again...  I shrugged.  I didn't know.

The next day I got up the courage to bring it up with Sam and told him that I didn't know if he was aware that he seemed annoyed or unresponsive with Michael.  He immediately got defensive.  He told me that he does know but he acts like that because Michael is annoying.  He went on to tell me that Michael asks the dumbest questions.  His comments are always about what the players are wearing or what their hair looks like.  He ended with telling me that he has a hard time talking to Michael about basketball because Michael doesn't care about basketball.  I was quiet for minute and then said, "You're right.  He doesn't care about basketball.  He cares about having a relationship with you."

The next words shook me good.  Sam said that the problem is:  "I know.  The problem is I'm in a really weird headspace where I don't care about having relationships with anyone.  I care about basketball.  I don't care about Michael."

That admission was like an arrow through my heart.  Sam has always been the most amazing dad.  His boys think he's pretty much the greatest thing on the planet.  To hear that he doesn't care about a relationship with me, hurt deeply, but hearing that he doesn't want relationships with his kids was devastating.

I spent the day feeling pretty hopeless.

In one of my psychology classes we learned about this little technique called Cognitive Behavior Therapy.  Basically, CBT is about reframing your thoughts in order to change how you feel.  My initial thoughts with Sam were that he hates me and his kids and doesn't want a relationship with any of us.  Obviously, that made me feel hurt and rejected.  But then I reframed.  Sam is feeling feelings that he doesn't want to feel and feelings that aren't really his fault for having.  That must be so hard and confusing for him.  He's feeling no desire for relationships...  BUT...  He's still here.  He's still fighting.  He's fighting for the DESIRE to be here.  It must be incredibly hard to continue doing something that you don't want to do.  The simple fact that he is still battling for our family, proves me to that he actually DOES want to have good relationships.