Time to unpack

 Once upon a time, this blog was a creative mental outlet for me.  As a young mom with little kids, I needed a place to go to vent and express my feelings.

I'm at that place in life again.  I need to vent.  I need to talk through my thoughts and feelings and hopefully move on.

The last year has been, by far, the hardest of my life.  I've become very familiar with my closet floor…. I spent hours there wondering how I got “here” and trying to pull myself together for my kids.  Pretending my world wasn't falling apart was literal torture.  It’s the loneliest feeling in the world.

In a nutshell...

Last year I started to struggle with cultural inconsistencies in the church I'm a member of.  I knew that Sam was struggling too, but I thought he was struggling with the same cultural things that I was.  I was wrong.  Last fall he told me that he doesn't believe in the church and never has.  He told me that he thinks the prophets are manipulators and liars.  He told me that he believes Joseph Smith was an evil person, The Book of Mormon is fake and that temples and our covenants are meaningless.  He told me that he isn't willing to pay tithing or participate in the church in any way anymore.  To people that aren't part of this church, that might not sound like a big deal, but to me it was a bombshell.  But the real bombshell was when he told me that he wanted a divorce and I realized he didn’t love me.

That experience put me on a path that I never wanted to be on and has literally changed who I am.  There is so much mental baggage that I need to unpack and sort through.

The author Joan Didion said,  "I write entirely to find out what I'm thinking, what I'm looking at, what I see and what it means.  What I want and what I fear." 

 I feel the truth of that quote for myself as well.