Timing is everything

 Lets talk about the girlfriend.

Timing of things can either help or hurt a problem.  Michael started dating a girl last year.  This girl was someone that I've always loved, so I was excited about this new relationship.  Sadly, that excitement quickly faded.  During a year where I was feeling worthless and insecure, girlfriend only added to those feelings.

I don't know how every woman reacts, but for me, when I started realizing that I might lose the relationship with my husband, I felt desperate to hang onto the relationships with my kids.  I'm sure I did things that were frustrating for girlfriend, but suddenly it was very obvious that she didn't approve of how I parented her boyfriend.  I constantly felt like I had to defend my rules and actions.  Michael has always been pretty understanding and accepting of the things I do, but suddenly he started seeing me through his girlfriends eyes and he began to hate me as much as she did.  The pain of that, when I was already losing my marriage was more than I could handle.

I felt like I was in the middle of an ocean, drowning, doing everything I could to keep my head above water, and every so often, girlfriend would come along and toss me a rock to hold on to.

She has told him that she doesn't like him to talk to me about her, and gets frustrated with him when he involves me in anything that they have going on.

A few weeks ago we talked and it seemed like she wanted to have a better relationship with me, but I don't think she ever updated Michael on that.  As far as he knows, she's still only willing to date him if I'm out of his life.

Last weekend was his senior prom.  At first Michael told me that girlfriend would be willing to tolerate me being involved if that was what he wanted, but in the end, Michael decided not to tell me anything about it.  He didn't tell me that all the other parents had been invited to come take pictures of the group of kids that I have spent the last four years getting to know and love.  He didn't tell me that all the other parents were getting together and providing a potluck dinner for their group.  He actually didn't even tell me that he had asked her to the dance.  I knew he was planning to take her, but he didn't tell me that he asked her and I still don't know how he asked her.  These things, and many more, have hurt my already hurting heart.

Sam assures me that in two months, they will go their separate ways and never see each other again.  I hope that is true.  I think they that they are a terrible match.  Michael is moody and needy and constantly hurts her feelings.  He makes her cry at least a couple times a week.  She's has stereotypical mormon views that make Michael feel insecure and inadequate about what he believes.  I think he'll always feel like he has to conform to her expectations in order to have value.

I say all that, but the real and vulnerable feelings are that, I love my kids and I desperately want to be part of their lives.  I think that it's been a challenge for me to let go with Michael, but I give myself grace.  He's my oldest child.  It's hard to go from being needed for everything, to not being needed at all.  I also give myself grace because of the situation I was given.  I’ve always felt insecure of my place as a "real" mom.  All of my kids have another mom and there has always been a part of me that fears the day they will choose to replace and reject me.

I know I make mistakes, but I'm learning and doing my best and overall, I think I'm an okay mom.  I understand that I may not be needed anymore, but I still want to be in some part of Michael's life.  I know that if he's with someone like girlfriend, I won't be welcome in his life at all and that breaks my heart.  I wish for Michael to be with someone that makes him feel confident about who he is, but selfishly, I wish for him to be with someone that likes me and encourages Michael to have a good relationship with me...  Not a nonexistent one.