Reasons

 For a long time I was there was only one person that knew what was going on and that was because she just happened to be watching when I had a very ugly meltdown.  Since then, I've shared with a few people and many of them have asked me the same thing...

"What can I do to help?"

The real answer is...  "Nothing" but people don't like to hear that.  Also, people that are close to me feel a tinge of hurt when they realize that I haven't trusted them enough to let them in.  That's not really how it is.

Several years ago, I had a close friend get a divorce.  It was a shock and I remember wondering why she hadn't let her friends help and support her.  Now I know.  There are so many reasons.  

First, the reason I haven't shared is because of my previous answer.  There is nothing people can do.  And that's hard for people.

Another reason...  when you are dealing with something that you can't deal with, you can't support other people through it.  I knew that if I were to tell people what was going on, I would have to console them.  I would have to assure them that it was okay.  When getting out of bed and showing up for my family is everything I can do, I just can't stress about taking care of other people.  

Another reason I kept things to myself was because ignorance really is bliss.  Not long ago, I talked to my sister about some of what is going on with me.  She was sad.  The thing that occurred to me is that this has been going on for year and she hasn't been sad.  The only thing that has changed is that now she knows about it.  It makes me sad to hurt other people.

Another reason.  I don't know what to say to people.  I don't know how to answer questions.  I don't know the end of this story.  I have hopes.  I have plans.  But, as I'm very aware...  I have zero control.  The only thing I can control is how I act.  Everything else is a big, fat surprise.

Another reason.  I don't want to hear advice or opinions about something that people don't actually understand.  If you haven't walked in my shoes, you can't understand and you certainly can't tell me what I should do.

Another reason.  I'm embarrassed.  How did I get here?  What did I do wrong?  I've always been taught that if I do what God asks me to do, I'll get blessings.  I feel like the harder I try, the more things go wrong.

Another reason.  This situation isn't just about me.  I have to respect that Sam may not want everyone to know personal things about his.  Lately, he has assured me and Michael (who knows about the struggles he is having with the church) that we are "free" to say whatever we want to people.  I appreciate that, but I'm still aware that this isn't just my story.

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