Different paths

 One of my most surprising realizations is that the church I thought was right for everyone, isn't.

I always believed that the church brought happiness to everyone.  All they had to do was follow the rules.  2+2 always equals 4.  That might be true in math, but with people, it's much more complicated.

My brother is gay.  You can have your opinions on that, but the bottom line is, doing the churchy things that people promised would bring him happiness, didn't.  The church is not good fit for him.

It's surprising to me that I no longer believe that the church is not a good place for Sam.  His entire life he has felt judged.  He has felt manipulated.  He has felt guilted into doing certain things.  He's felt inadequate.  He's felt worthless.  He's felt defensive and forced.  He has felt like his worth in the eyes of other people was contingent on how righteous he looked at church.

For the most part, this is not the message I have gotten from my church participation.  But I don't get to tell Sam what message he has gotten.

Several years ago, he and I were at the church distribution store.  I was browsing while Sam waited for me.  One of the employees came up to him and started chatting with him.  A minute or so into the conversation, she asked him where he had served a mission.  When he told her that he hadn't gone on a mission, she literally stared at him for a few seconds before turning around walking away without another word.

Why do we do this?  Why do we feel uncomfortable when other people's journey looks different than ours?  

I believe that the message of "you have to conform to be accepted" is unintentional.  But I can also see why this IS the message that many people get.  Men are all expected to have a certain haircut, not have facial hair, and dress a certain way in order to have people assume that you're one of the "in" people.  For some reason, we've decided that a young man in a white shirt proves that he is worthy to bless the sacrament.  

I hope that someday, the church will be a healthy place for Sam to be, but I truly believe that for now, it's not.  I'm working hard to respect that his journey isn't wrong just because it looks different than mine.

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