Random Rambles

 It's a new year and while not much has changed, everything has changed. Things that I have learned: I can't control anything or anyone.  There is sometimes the illusion of control and security, but that is truly an illusion. Foundation is EVERYTHING.  Everything in your life can let you down and disappoint you.  My closest friends let me down.  My parents let me down.  My husband let me down.  That illusion of security I had crumbled and my life fell apart.  Luckily, I found that my foundation was solid.  My foundation is Christ.  He is the only thing solid thing.  I can always rebuild with Him as my foundation. The church is not as important to me as I thought.  I love the church.  I love the principles that it teaches but it truly just a guide in my life.  It's a tool to help me have a better relationship with God.  It's a tool to allow me to associate with like-minded people, but the church is not my ticket t...

Against my better judgement, I'm sharing some personal thoughts in hopes that it might help increase understanding and expand perspectives.  You can read if you are interested in either of those things. Earlier this year, Sam watched a video and made the mistake of commenting on it.  The response to Sam's comment was two entire videos (almost 2 hours) directed at Sam and how ignorant he is about the church.  As if that wasn't bad enough, hundreds of the commenters joined the hate-train.  Here's a fun little sample of the comments:    "It's clear that Sam is brainwashed."  "I bet this guy doesn't actually know anything about the church and is just a troll."  "I feel so bad that this former member has chosen to join Satan."  "What an idiot." "You need to repent Sam.  Seriously.  Repent before it's too late." "You've swallowed a dead, stinking rat and it's rotting inside of you." My life has re...

 It was a Sunday afternoon.  Sam doesn't come to church with us anymore, so I'd taken the boys to church by myself.  When we got home, Sam was doing his own thing while we got snacks and watched a movie.  By that evening, I hadn't really seen him all day, so I went into our room where he was.  I was aware that he was watching something on his iPad, but started chatting with him as I put some clothes away and straightened up my closet.  I was just going into our bathroom to wash my face when I became aware of the the look on his face.  It stopped me in my tracks.  I can only describe it as hate and contempt for...   For what?  For who?  Me?  I didn't understand so I asked. "Did I do something to offend you?" Sam's reply.  "Why do you think I'm back here in our room with the door closed?  I'm in here because you guys aren't!  If I wanted to listen to you or be around you, I'd be around you." He said other thin...

 I used to think that in order to be happy again, things had to go back to the way they were.  I don't think that anymore.  Things haven't gone back to the way they were, and I don't know what the future holds.   I do know that we seem to be making progress.  I do know that navigating tricky situations and subjects, seems to be getting easier.   I do know that I see little glimpses that Sam still loves me.   I do know that I feel stronger.   I do know that I feel peace and hope for the future.

 I don't know why I'm wasting any more of my energy on this situation.  I guess that, whether I like it or not, this dumb situation had major effect on me. Michael's girlfriend.  Technically he broke up with her and he left on his mission with the understanding that she was going to date other people.  She and I actually had a nice text conversation where I appreciated her apologizing for blaming me for things that she now realizes were not my fault.  We discussed wanting to be on the "same team" with Michael and trying to be a support to him while he serves a mission.  I specifically shared with her the rules that his mission president sent to me.  One was that Michael is only supposed to communicate with people on P-day and can only communicate via email.  No texting/messaging.  She fully agreed and expressed her desire to be a help to him, not a distraction. Less than a week later... I found out that Ellie had tried to get facebook messeng...

 A few weeks ago, Sam told me that confidence is an attractive quality in a person and a girl that is insecure, is annoying.  He was responding to something that I had done that was "needy". I thought about that for a few days and finally sat down and talked to him.  I told him that I had realized that insecurity is born out of realizing that you aren't secure in something that you 1000% believed you were secure in.  If you would have asked me a few years if my husband would "leave" the church and ask me for a divorce, I would have laughed in your face.  That wasn't even a tiny possibility.  And then it happened.  And my world changed.  Trying to figure out this new world, is scary.  When you're married to someone for 25 years, you are pretty good and knowing what kind of reaction to expect when you say or do something.  I suddenly find myself in a relationship where I have no idea what to expect. The other day, Sam asked me how mad I'd ...

 I shouldn't have hoped. Sam's brother has been here visiting and last night I listened to a conversation that Sam had with him. Sam started the conversation by explaining to David the ways that organized religions brainwash people into conforming to their standards.  He talked about how phony patriarchal blessings are and explained that patriarchs are taught what to say and how to use certain words and phrases. He talked to David about wanting to have experiences.  He doesn't want to read about other people doing cool things.  He wasn't to experience things himself.  He told David that real joy would be found in freedom to go where ever he wants to go, and do whatever he wants to do without worrying about what other people want. He confided in David that he's never wanted a family or a house and stable life.  He tried for twenty years to make himself want those things, but the truth is, the life he has is agony for him.  He told David that some people...