Random Rambles

 I used to think that in order to be happy again, things had to go back to the way they were.  I don't think that anymore.  Things haven't gone back to the way they were, and I don't know what the future holds.   I do know that we seem to be making progress.  I do know that navigating tricky situations and subjects, seems to be getting easier.   I do know that I see little glimpses that Sam still loves me.   I do know that I feel stronger.   I do know that I feel peace and hope for the future.

 I don't know why I'm wasting any more of my energy on this situation.  I guess that, whether I like it or not, this dumb situation had major effect on me. Michael's girlfriend.  Technically he broke up with her and he left on his mission with the understanding that she was going to date other people.  She and I actually had a nice text conversation where I appreciated her apologizing for blaming me for things that she now realizes were not my fault.  We discussed wanting to be on the "same team" with Michael and trying to be a support to him while he serves a mission.  I specifically shared with her the rules that his mission president sent to me.  One was that Michael is only supposed to communicate with people on P-day and can only communicate via email.  No texting/messaging.  She fully agreed and expressed her desire to be a help to him, not a distraction. Less than a week later... I found out that Ellie had tried to get facebook messeng...

 A few weeks ago, Sam told me that confidence is an attractive quality in a person and a girl that is insecure, is annoying.  He was responding to something that I had done that was "needy". I thought about that for a few days and finally sat down and talked to him.  I told him that I had realized that insecurity is born out of realizing that you aren't secure in something that you 1000% believed you were secure in.  If you would have asked me a few years if my husband would "leave" the church and ask me for a divorce, I would have laughed in your face.  That wasn't even a tiny possibility.  And then it happened.  And my world changed.  Trying to figure out this new world, is scary.  When you're married to someone for 25 years, you are pretty good and knowing what kind of reaction to expect when you say or do something.  I suddenly find myself in a relationship where I have no idea what to expect. The other day, Sam asked me how mad I'd ...

 I shouldn't have hoped. Sam's brother has been here visiting and last night I listened to a conversation that Sam had with him. Sam started the conversation by explaining to David the ways that organized religions brainwash people into conforming to their standards.  He talked about how phony patriarchal blessings are and explained that patriarchs are taught what to say and how to use certain words and phrases. He talked to David about wanting to have experiences.  He doesn't want to read about other people doing cool things.  He wasn't to experience things himself.  He told David that real joy would be found in freedom to go where ever he wants to go, and do whatever he wants to do without worrying about what other people want. He confided in David that he's never wanted a family or a house and stable life.  He tried for twenty years to make himself want those things, but the truth is, the life he has is agony for him.  He told David that some people...

 Over the last year, there have been many times when I've been certain that I'm at rock bottom and the only way to go is up.  I think I actually did discover rock bottom a couple of weeks ago.  A couple days after my last post, Sam came home from a work trip.  I could tell he was struggling.  I was getting dinner ready and was trying to keep the mood light by laughing and joking with the kids.  Jesse was bragging about how hard he'd worked that day and I commented that he was working harder than any of us. I didn't know what a trigger that would be. Sam immediately got defensive.  He told us all that he'd worked more that day than all of us put together had worked in the last week.  I tried to assure Sam that I knew that, and I was just trying to boost Jesse's confidence.  After dinner Sam disappeared and I tried to distract myself by helping Jacob get ready for his young mens camp.  Awhile later I found Sam out in the gym and asked him ...

  My heart hurts. This weekend was a lot for my mom heart.  Michael went to the temple on Friday and was set apart as a missionary tonight.  I'm so proud of him and the choices that he is making but for some reason my heart is aching.  My family as I've known it for the last 16 years is ending.  I keep reaching out to my partner, my friend, my husband...  And he's not there. I don't know what to do.  In these moments, I need my person.  I need him to extend love and comfort to me, but I don't think he has any to give right now. I sit here and wonder how I got here.  Where did I mess up?  What did I do to push him so far away?  What kind of person was I to him that made him close himself off to me?  Am I crazy?  Is this all in my head?   Will I ever feel loved again?

 Sam has left our relationship.  Not physically, but emotionally and that is a torture so painful I can't even explain. I still have hope that he will come back, but how long can hope override feeling rejected, disliked, and unwanted before it breaks me? We've moved a lot of times.  I think somewhere around 40 times.  I have a friend that always calls her house, "her home".  Example:  "Would you like to come over to my home for dinner?"  I've rarely referred to our house as "my home".  I think that is because... if every house I lived in was my home, I would have spent a lot of my life feeling sad to leave my home.  To me, Sam has always been my home.  Not even my kids...  Sam.  Sam is home.  Sam is where I belong.  Sam is where I retreat to when life gets too heavy. I feel homeless.  I feel lost, scared, and alone. I just want to go home.