Random Rambles

 I shouldn't have hoped. Sam's brother has been here visiting and last night I listened to a conversation that Sam had with him. Sam started the conversation by explaining to David the ways that organized religions brainwash people into conforming to their standards.  He talked about how phony patriarchal blessings are and explained that patriarchs are taught what to say and how to use certain words and phrases. He talked to David about wanting to have experiences.  He doesn't want to read about other people doing cool things.  He wasn't to experience things himself.  He told David that real joy would be found in freedom to go where ever he wants to go, and do whatever he wants to do without worrying about what other people want. He confided in David that he's never wanted a family or a house and stable life.  He tried for twenty years to make himself want those things, but the truth is, the life he has is agony for him.  He told David that some people...

 Over the last year, there have been many times when I've been certain that I'm at rock bottom and the only way to go is up.  I think I actually did discover rock bottom a couple of weeks ago.  A couple days after my last post, Sam came home from a work trip.  I could tell he was struggling.  I was getting dinner ready and was trying to keep the mood light by laughing and joking with the kids.  Jesse was bragging about how hard he'd worked that day and I commented that he was working harder than any of us. I didn't know what a trigger that would be. Sam immediately got defensive.  He told us all that he'd worked more that day than all of us put together had worked in the last week.  I tried to assure Sam that I knew that, and I was just trying to boost Jesse's confidence.  After dinner Sam disappeared and I tried to distract myself by helping Jacob get ready for his young mens camp.  Awhile later I found Sam out in the gym and asked him ...

  My heart hurts. This weekend was a lot for my mom heart.  Michael went to the temple on Friday and was set apart as a missionary tonight.  I'm so proud of him and the choices that he is making but for some reason my heart is aching.  My family as I've known it for the last 16 years is ending.  I keep reaching out to my partner, my friend, my husband...  And he's not there. I don't know what to do.  In these moments, I need my person.  I need him to extend love and comfort to me, but I don't think he has any to give right now. I sit here and wonder how I got here.  Where did I mess up?  What did I do to push him so far away?  What kind of person was I to him that made him close himself off to me?  Am I crazy?  Is this all in my head?   Will I ever feel loved again?

 Sam has left our relationship.  Not physically, but emotionally and that is a torture so painful I can't even explain. I still have hope that he will come back, but how long can hope override feeling rejected, disliked, and unwanted before it breaks me? We've moved a lot of times.  I think somewhere around 40 times.  I have a friend that always calls her house, "her home".  Example:  "Would you like to come over to my home for dinner?"  I've rarely referred to our house as "my home".  I think that is because... if every house I lived in was my home, I would have spent a lot of my life feeling sad to leave my home.  To me, Sam has always been my home.  Not even my kids...  Sam.  Sam is home.  Sam is where I belong.  Sam is where I retreat to when life gets too heavy. I feel homeless.  I feel lost, scared, and alone. I just want to go home.

 Les died. It feels much different than I expected it to.  Actually, I'm not really sure I had expectations.  All I know is that it hurts more than I expected it too. Les has been telling us for 3 years that he is going to die at any minute.  He lives with us, and likes to talk to himself (loudly) so I've heard his feelings.  He's sad.  He doesn't feel good.  He has nothing to look forward to.  He's tired.  He misses Janet.  I've heard him cry.  I've heard him get mad.  I've heard him praying.  I've heard him pray for his kids and my kids.  I've heard him pray for me and Sam by name.  It's a very humbling feeling to hear your dad pray for you when he doesn't know that you can hear him. Les has been sick for a couple of months.  He's complained about his stomach hurting. A couple of weeks ago, he went to the doctor and when he went to get off the exam table, he hurt his back.  We thought it was a straine...

 I have never been more proud of, or impressed with Michael. He was asked to give a short testimony/talk yesterday in church.  I was terrified how Sam was going to feel.  After the conversation that went bad with Sam last week, I worried that this talk was a situation for Michael to be forced to say the "right" things in his testimony and the reasons for going on a mission in order to look good.  I was nervous about how Sam would interpret that and that it might make him reconsider his support of Michael going on a mission. He didn't say the "right" things. He was honest.   He didn't profess certainty about the "church being true" or the prophets speaking for God, or his knowledge of The Book of Mormon and Joseph Smith being 100% accurate.  Michael simply shared his love of Jesus and thanked his dad for teaching him about the good man Jesus was and the admirable life that He lived.  He shared his desire to respect everyone for what they believe an...

 The last couple of months, I have felt hopeful about the future of my marriage.  I've also been aware and nervous about how Michael going on a mission is going to affect it. Sam has negative feelings about the church and many of the things it teaches.  He does not believe the very basic things that Michael will be teaching.  I can't imagine how hard and confusing it will be for Sam to support and pay for Michael to go out and ask people to join a church that Sam thinks deliberately misleads and lies to it's members. Anyway. Sam and I went to lunch a few days after Michael got his mission call, so of course it was something we discussed.  The discussion went bad quickly.  At some point, I saw Sam mentally be done with me.  I saw him revert back to believing that the challenges we have ahead of us, are impossible to overcome and not worth the effort.  I saw him fall back on the belief that we are fooling ourselves and that this relationship is head...