PTSD

 The last couple of months, I have felt hopeful about the future of my marriage.  I've also been aware and nervous about how Michael going on a mission is going to affect it.

Sam has negative feelings about the church and many of the things it teaches.  He does not believe the very basic things that Michael will be teaching.  I can't imagine how hard and confusing it will be for Sam to support and pay for Michael to go out and ask people to join a church that Sam thinks deliberately misleads and lies to it's members.

Anyway.

Sam and I went to lunch a few days after Michael got his mission call, so of course it was something we discussed.  The discussion went bad quickly.  At some point, I saw Sam mentally be done with me.  I saw him revert back to believing that the challenges we have ahead of us, are impossible to overcome and not worth the effort.  I saw him fall back on the belief that we are fooling ourselves and that this relationship is headed for failure and it's better to just call it quits now to save ourselves years of pain.

This immediately put me back to panic and desperation.  NO!  This IS something we can work out!  We do not have to believe the same things to respect each other have a good relationship.  I hate being desperate Krista.  I hate feeling like I have no control in the outcome of this relationship.  I hate feeling like I'm at the mercy of this person that I love and have built my life around.

But I am.

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