Random Rambles

 Les died. It feels much different than I expected it to.  Actually, I'm not really sure I had expectations.  All I know is that it hurts more than I expected it too. Les has been telling us for 3 years that he is going to die at any minute.  He lives with us, and likes to talk to himself (loudly) so I've heard his feelings.  He's sad.  He doesn't feel good.  He has nothing to look forward to.  He's tired.  He misses Janet.  I've heard him cry.  I've heard him get mad.  I've heard him praying.  I've heard him pray for his kids and my kids.  I've heard him pray for me and Sam by name.  It's a very humbling feeling to hear your dad pray for you when he doesn't know that you can hear him. Les has been sick for a couple of months.  He's complained about his stomach hurting. A couple of weeks ago, he went to the doctor and when he went to get off the exam table, he hurt his back.  We thought it was a straine...

 I have never been more proud of, or impressed with Michael. He was asked to give a short testimony/talk yesterday in church.  I was terrified how Sam was going to feel.  After the conversation that went bad with Sam last week, I worried that this talk was a situation for Michael to be forced to say the "right" things in his testimony and the reasons for going on a mission in order to look good.  I was nervous about how Sam would interpret that and that it might make him reconsider his support of Michael going on a mission. He didn't say the "right" things. He was honest.   He didn't profess certainty about the "church being true" or the prophets speaking for God, or his knowledge of The Book of Mormon and Joseph Smith being 100% accurate.  Michael simply shared his love of Jesus and thanked his dad for teaching him about the good man Jesus was and the admirable life that He lived.  He shared his desire to respect everyone for what they believe an...

 The last couple of months, I have felt hopeful about the future of my marriage.  I've also been aware and nervous about how Michael going on a mission is going to affect it. Sam has negative feelings about the church and many of the things it teaches.  He does not believe the very basic things that Michael will be teaching.  I can't imagine how hard and confusing it will be for Sam to support and pay for Michael to go out and ask people to join a church that Sam thinks deliberately misleads and lies to it's members. Anyway. Sam and I went to lunch a few days after Michael got his mission call, so of course it was something we discussed.  The discussion went bad quickly.  At some point, I saw Sam mentally be done with me.  I saw him revert back to believing that the challenges we have ahead of us, are impossible to overcome and not worth the effort.  I saw him fall back on the belief that we are fooling ourselves and that this relationship is head...

 A few weeks ago, Michael had a meeting with girlfriends dad.  At the end of this meeting, he included what I assume was an insult to me. In a nutshell, he thought it was silly how "some" parents have gotten too involved in Michael and girlfriends relationship. Perspective really does change everything, and from his perspective, I'm sure he is right.  My perspective is different. First, I haven't gotten involved in anything that my kid (or his) didn't involve me in.  I determine the level of my involvement in my kids lives based on what they need and want.  Not what other people people think is appropriate for me. Second, I think he is only not involved because he hasn't had to deal with what I've had to deal with. If Michael had been constantly telling his daughter what a bad parent he is, I'm pretty sure this person would have eventually set Michael straight.  If Michael would have disrespected his family rules and values, I'm pretty sure this pa...

 In my church, we believe that there are men called of God to speak for Him and share the things that He wants us to be doing. I believe that these men truly are prophets. During the last conference, one of those prophets gave a talk.  There have been talks given before that I didn't totally understand or agree with, but this talk was different.  I not only disagreed with it, but I believed that the things this good man was saying, were flat out wrong. Elder Ballard talked about how the Lord EXPECTS every man to serve a full time mission.  He talked about how parents, bishops and YM leaders should try and CONVINCE all boys to serve a mission.  He talked about how serving a mission was the RIGHT choice and that it would bless their lives. Here's my problem. First, Michael is planning to go on a mission, so he can pat himself on the back for making the "right" choice. However... A few months ago, Michael wasn't planning on serving a mission.  How would he hav...

  Why can't I get over how girlfriend has treated me? 1st.  I'm not a good enough person to take one for the team.  Girlfriend holds me 100% responsible for ruining her life and forcing Michael to break up with her. That's crap. The truth is, Michael was sick and tired of listening to her constantly complain about what a bitch I was.  On a regular basis, she would tell him that I was unfair.  That our family rules were silly.  The would tell him that I hated her, that I was scary and intimidating.  She would tell him that I hated her and wanted him to break up with her.  She would tell him that I wanted him to date Brynne or Ellah.  She would tell him that I deliberately ignore her. When I would hear these things, I would defend myself.  I would try and explain my perspective and he'd realize that she was being silly.  In the end, her accusations didn't make him hate me (as I think she was hoping), they only made him feel resentful ...

 Comparison.  It's a bitch. Michael received a mission call a few days ago.  He wanted to go foreign.  I think he partly wanted to go to another country because that sounds exciting, but really he wanted to go somewhere "cool" because every single one of his friends is going foreign.  Not a single one is staying in the US. His assignment is...  Arizona.  Not only is he staying in the states, but he's going to a place that is a weekend road trip away.  He was disappointed and I understood.  It will be fine, and he'll love it, but can we all just stop blowing smoke up his ass and trying to convince him that going to the state next door is the same as his buddy that opened a call to Peru on the same day?  And therein lies the problem.  IF all of his friends had gone to different place in the US, I'm guessing that Arizona wouldn't have looked to disappointing. Once upon a time, I had an expectation of what yesterday would be like. ...

 Human are taught to believe that if one thing is right, the opposite thing has to be wrong.  We see this a lot in politics.  If what I believe is right, than what "Karen" over there believes, is obviously wrong.  It's almost impossible for us to even consider that "Karen" is right because if she's right, that would mean that I'm wrong. But what if we're both right? This kind of thinking is just as common, if not more so, in religion. My perspective has shifted on this over the last year. Sam doesn't believe that the church is "true".  At first I fought against that, and tried to prove why he was wrong, because proving him wrong would obviously make me right. Right? Wrong. Sam is right.  The church is not true.  The church is judgmental and unwelcoming and NOT a good fit.  For him. AND... I am right.  The church is "true" and it's a good fit for me. Both of these things are true and that's hard to understand.  Especial...