Random Rambles

When Sam "left" the church, it was a hard thing to realize that a marriage relationship isn't as enduring as the "eternity" that I thought.  A marriage is something that TWO people have to choose, and it can end even if one person doesn't want it to.  It was a weird realization that my siblings were more of a certainty in my life than my husband was.  Sam can decide to stop being my husband anytime he he wants to, and I have ZERO say so about it.  My siblings have to be my siblings no matter what.  That was something that I felt comforted by when the bottom dropped out of my world.  Specifically when I thought about Joseph and Spencer.  They live here.  They are active in the church.  I knew that they would be able to step in when I needed them.  Joseph came over and gave me a blessing when Sam told me that he wanted a divorce.  Jospeh also was there to escort Michael through the temple before his mission.  Spencer has been someone that I knew was rock solid

I was thinking. I've begged God many times over the last few years for a miracle.  I realize that without a miracle, my family isn't going to survive.  I don't know what to do.  But God does.  I keep begging Him to do whatever needs to be done to fix this situation that feels like one big dumpster fire. I have seen miracles.  The problem is, miracles are quickly forgotten.   This is my attempt to remember the miracles that I've seen. A couple of years ago, after Sam had told me that he wanted a divorce and he was done with the church I was lost.  I was feeling rejected and hopeless.  I was begging God to help me know what to do.  One day I was walking at the track.  I was listening to a podcast that Emily Freeman was hosting, but I was only half listening because I was crying.  She was telling a story about a boy that, for some reason, was living with her.  There must have been an issue with him and she was fasting and praying for guidance.  My ears picked up her words

I had an interesting experience with Sam last week.  I like to open the blinds during the day and let the light come in.  Saturday afternoon I heard Sam yell:  "Krista!  You and your open blinds!"  I went into our room and started laughing when he told me that he was standing there in his underwear when he looked over and saw the UPS guy out our bedroom window, on the front porch.  I reassured him that people can't see in our windows on a bright day like today.  He argued that I was wrong.  I admitted that I might be, and told him to stay there while I went and looked.  I stood on the front porch and tried to see in our bedroom.  I couldn't.  Our bedroom window was open, and I could hear him calling me a faker. I came back in, and suddenly Sam's teasing mood was defensive.  He told me that it was pointless to talk about it anymore because it was obvious that I wasn't willing to admit anything that led me to anything I didn't want to believe.   I was honest

On Friday, Sam seemed frustrated.  I asked him what was wrong and he said:  "Oh.  Nothing.  I just hate my life.  That's all."  Over the weekend he got more and more dispondant.  He ignored everyone and stared off into space.  Sunday was Easter, and Sam usually has fun hiding Easter eggs with on Saturday night.  When I went to get the eggs, Sam was already in bed.  I hid the eggs myself and then came to bed.  He ignored me and turned away from me when I laid down.  I was so confused.  I fell asleep begging God for miracle.  Sunday morning, Sam sat silently in his chair while the boys looked for eggs.  He didn't laugh and talk to them like always has.  He just scrolled on his phone and ignored everything they were doing.   After church, when me and boys get home, we usually do a family lesson.  Sam talked about the importance of having something to believe in.  He said that believing in Jesu gives you hope and makes life worthwhile.  The whole time he was talking, I ju

 It's been awhile.  Things are still a rollercoaster.  Some days I feel like everything is good and I feel hopeful about the future.  Other times...  I realize that deep down I know that my marriage is over and I'm just not willing to accept it. If Sam had never been a good husband or a good dad, I wouldn't feel such a loss in my life.  Sam used to tell a story about when he met me.  He said that he prayed and told God that if he could "have me", he would do whatever God asked.  At one time, Sam loved me and I was worth sacrificing for.  He still sacrifices for me, but it's out of obligation.  The hardest thing for me is how he is with the boys.  At one time, I truly believed I had his the dad jackpot for my kids.  In fact, I was a million percent confident that if I didn't do anything else right as a mom, giving my kids Sam as a dad made me a successful mom.  He was the greatest dad I could ever imagine. Jesse is graduating high school.  He asked about a

Against my better judgement, I'm sharing some personal thoughts in hopes that it might help increase understanding and expand perspectives.  You can read if you are interested in either of those things. Earlier this year, Sam watched a video and made the mistake of commenting on it.  The response to Sam's comment was two entire videos (almost 2 hours) directed at Sam and how ignorant he is about the church.  As if that wasn't bad enough, hundreds of the commenters joined the hate-train.  Here's a fun little sample of the comments:    "It's clear that Sam is brainwashed."  "I bet this guy doesn't actually know anything about the church and is just a troll."  "I feel so bad that this former member has chosen to join Satan."  "What an idiot." "You need to repent Sam.  Seriously.  Repent before it's too late." "You've swallowed a dead, stinking rat and it's rotting inside of you." My life has re