Random Rambles

 Things feel like they have settled into a new normal for our family.  Sam and I have come to some compromises in our relationship and have mutually quit worrying about the things that we can’t come to a compromise on.  Basically, we agree to disagree on the things that we can’t figure out. Having said that, every now and then something comes along that feels like it knocks the wind out of me and makes me feel like this is still an impossible situation.  Last week was one of those things. Sam told me that he wants to have his membership removed from the church.  He explained that it will make him feel like he’s able to finally close the book on a really painful story.  It will allow him to move on and not have anymore ties to the church that did so much damage to him. These are things he thinks. I think that Sam is the kind of person that is all or nothing.  I think still having membership in the church, but not participating makes him feel guilty. ...

People have been miracle for me in different ways. Sarah Jen B. Monica Brooke Jen M. Ana I tried hard to push people out of my life when it fell apart.  I didn't want people to see the dumpster-fire that was my life.  It was embarrassing.  I felt like people were either judging me or pitying me.  I didn't want either one.   Luckily for me, while many people did give up on me, a few didn't.  These people were miracles.

Over the last couple of years, the "situation" has been a rollercoaster.  Except, not the fun kind (if you like that kind of thing.)  More like a rollercoaster through Hell.   A few months ago, I was on the part of the rollercoaster ride that was taking me through an extra dark place.  I was a the park walking (Now that I think about it...  Miracles seem to happen when I'm walking.  I should walk more.)  I was trying to alleviate some of the pain in my chest.  The pain that happens when I'm feeling like there is no hope. I just felt like my family was falling apart, and I didn't know how things were ever going to be okay. I wasn't paying much attention to anything around me, so I didn't notice the ladies that were walking the opposite direction as me, coming toward me, until I got to them and one of them stepped directly in front of me. I was a little surprised, and I was wearing AirPods so I stopped and took them out.  The lady held up ...

When Sam "left" the church, it was a hard thing to realize that a marriage relationship isn't as enduring as the "eternity" that I thought.  A marriage is something that TWO people have to choose, and it can end even if one person doesn't want it to.  It was a weird realization that my siblings were more of a certainty in my life than my husband was.  Sam can decide to stop being my husband anytime he he wants to, and I have ZERO say so about it.  My siblings have to be my siblings no matter what.  That was something that I felt comforted by when the bottom dropped out of my world.  Specifically when I thought about Joseph and Spencer.  They live here.  They are active in the church.  I knew that they would be able to step in when I needed them.  Joseph came over and gave me a blessing when Sam told me that he wanted a divorce.  Jospeh also was there to escort Michael through the temple before his mission.  Spencer has been som...

I was thinking. I've begged God many times over the last few years for a miracle.  I realize that without a miracle, my family isn't going to survive.  I don't know what to do.  But God does.  I keep begging Him to do whatever needs to be done to fix this situation that feels like one big dumpster fire. I have seen miracles.  The problem is, miracles are quickly forgotten.   This is my attempt to remember the miracles that I've seen. A couple of years ago, after Sam had told me that he wanted a divorce and he was done with the church I was lost.  I was feeling rejected and hopeless.  I was begging God to help me know what to do.  One day I was walking at the track.  I was listening to a podcast that Emily Freeman was hosting, but I was only half listening because I was crying.  She was telling a story about a boy that, for some reason, was living with her.  There must have been an issue with him and she was fasting and pra...

I had an interesting experience with Sam last week.  I like to open the blinds during the day and let the light come in.  Saturday afternoon I heard Sam yell:  "Krista!  You and your open blinds!"  I went into our room and started laughing when he told me that he was standing there in his underwear when he looked over and saw the UPS guy out our bedroom window, on the front porch.  I reassured him that people can't see in our windows on a bright day like today.  He argued that I was wrong.  I admitted that I might be, and told him to stay there while I went and looked.  I stood on the front porch and tried to see in our bedroom.  I couldn't.  Our bedroom window was open, and I could hear him calling me a faker. I came back in, and suddenly Sam's teasing mood was defensive.  He told me that it was pointless to talk about it anymore because it was obvious that I wasn't willing to admit anything that led me to anything I didn't wa...