Having faith when I don't have any faith

 I don’t even know what’s happening anymore.  My life is driving me CRAZY.  I feel like I’m going crazy. 

I had panic attack at work today.  Straight up panic attack. 

I was listening to a talk that I needed to listen to for my YW lesson on Sunday. I didn’t like how I was feeling about the talk, so I started listening to another one by President Nelson.  Halfway through, I don’t even know what happened.  My hands started to tingle.  I felt like I was choking.  My head felt fuzzy and vision started closing in.  I turned the talk off, and started listening to music.  The good news is that with the music, some deep breaths, and some time alone in the bathroom, I was able to get it under control.  But it scared me.  It also frustrates me.  I feel crazy.  I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about it.  I feel like I’ve already overwhelmed the few people that I can talk to.  I know they're tired of hearing about my issues.

That’s where you come in. 

I suggest you buckle up.  I’m not going to hold back… 

I had a counselor when I was in primary that dealt with depression and anxiety.  I think.  She never really talked to me about it, but she would often be MIA, and I knew it was because of whatever she was dealing with mentally.  I admit that I judged.  I couldn’t understand why she couldn’t just decide to get over it.  I should probably apologize to her. I understand now.  I hate that I feel like this.  I hate that when I sit in sacrament meeting, my heart starts to pound, my hands shake and I feel confusion.  I hate that I go out of my way to avoid people I know.  I don’t want to talk to anyone. I feel like they are judging me.  I feel like they somehow know that I’m crazy and they’re laughing at me for being so weak.  I hate that most days, I feel a constant weight on my chest… Like I’m dreading something, but I can’t figure out what it is that I’m dreading. 

Let’s talk about a few things that have been overwhelming my brain. 

Expectation for boys to serve a mission.  Why are girls asked if they WANT to serve a mission and boys are asked WHEN they are going?  When a girl is asked if she wants to serve a mission and she says, “no”, we’re fine with that.  Not only do we not even ask, but if a boy does say that he’s not going, we super-judge.  We assume he must be unworthy to go.  Or selfish.  But mostly, we don’t even ask.  We say things like:  "WHEN Michael goes on his mission…"  Or, "After Michael’s mission…" WHY?!?!  Why do we do that?  Is it a commandment for boys to go on mission?  Is it doctrine that a boy must serve a mission?  NO!!!  How about we quit thinking we know what’s best for all 18-year old Mormon boys, and hey… Here’s a novel idea... Let them decide for themselves what’s best. Let it be a choice… You know… Like Jesus’s plan? 

There’s a “situation” going on with Michael and one of his good friends.  This friend is a girl and, as things go between boys and girls, it’s turned into more than friends.  At first I thought this was the best thing ever.  Her family is also one our closest family friends.  I love this girl.  I’d be ecstatic for my son to date a girl like her, let alone her.  But I didn’t take into consideration the fact that if things get awkward, things get awkward for ME!  I can’t just never see her again! 

Michael kissed her.  She wanted him to kiss her.  Then she freaked out.  She decided that she doesn’t want him to kiss her anymore.  That’s fine.  This is what’s not fine.  She wants to be his fake girlfriend.  She wants him to like her, but doesn’t want him to kiss her.  She wants to not have anyone know (everyone knows) they like each other.  She wants me to pretend like I don’t know anything.  She wants to be just friends, but not be just friends. 

 I know.

What I just wrote doesn’t even make sense.  It doesn’t make any more sense in real life. 

As someone who thinks the world of this girl, I want her to be able to be honest with Michael about how she’s feeling, and have her feelings be respected.  As Michael’s mom, I just feel like he’s being “played”. She basically wants him to wait around until she decides she's ready to be his real girlfriend.  What if that never happens?  Then Michael has wasted his whole senior year.  “Wasted” meaning he doesn’t take advantage of any opportunities that might come his way to hang out with other girls.

After this girl told Michael that she wanted to stay just friends, he started treating her like they were just friends.  He told me that two hours into the day she was mad because he was “acting weird”.  I asked him what he was doing and he said, “I don’t’ know! I was treating her like a friend. I wasn’t flirting with her."

Anyway.  Back to my original point.

I was talking to this girl’s mom.  I was hoping she could help me understand a perspective that wasn’t mine or Michael’s.  My friend told me that her daughter really likes Michael and could see a relationship with him being “more” than just a high school relationship, so she doesn’t want to move too fast.  She wants to see what Michael is like after his mission before she gets too serious.  My first thought was, “What if he doesn’t go on a mission?”  Why are we just expecting Michael to go on a mission.  And is him going on a mission the thing that proves to her that he’s good enough to be serious with?  Sam didn’t go on mission.  Was that a mistake?  I don’t know.  Ask him.  It was his choice.  Was it a mistake that I didn’t check the “marry a returned missionary” box off my list?  No.  It wasn’t.  I don’t give a damn about whether or not Sam went on a mission.  Going or not going does not change the kind of person he is.  But for some reason it’s been an issue for other people for 25 years.

WHY?!?!

I know why.

Because it makes THEM uncomfortable. 

Next.

White shirt and tie to pass the sacrament.  I hate that.  Who decided that a white shirt and tie is the uniform that you have to wear in order to participate in priesthood ordinances?  And why did we decide to call that “doctrine”?  It’s not doctrine.  I’m pretty certain that Jesus didn’t pass the sacrament in a white shirt and tie.  A friend shared her perspective that things like that just aren't a big deal to her.  She doesn’t worry about all these things.  If the handbook asks us to do something, she’s happy to comply.  I actually understand this perspective because it's the one that I've had for most of my life.  The problem is...  The church is big and diverse now.  Some people are okay to just accept whatever is told to them, but many people aren't.  In order for good changes to happen, people have to be willing to speak up when they see a problem.  I don't want to be the person to stand out or speak up, but who does?

I decided to see what the handbook actually says about that.  It’s true.  It WAS in the handbook.  The OLD handbook.  The new handbook, very obviously left that direction out.  In fact, is says that boys should not be expected to look “overly formal”.  It also said that “holding the hand behind the back or appearances, such as dressing alike are not required”.  That’s great!  I felt so relieved to see that the church understands the pharisaical silliness of requiring a certain look.  The problem is church culture.  If Michael were to decide to wear a blue shirt to church and bless the sacrament, I have NO DOUBT that there would be many that would judge.

WHY?

I know why.

It problem has nothing to do with Michael or his worthiness to bless the sacrament.  The problem is the comfort of other people.  Seeing someone do something different than you would do them makes you uncomfortable.  I’ve been on ward council before.  I know how it works.  We take notice of a family that isn’t coming to church as often as we do.  Or that doesn’t attend youth activities on Wednesday.  They are probably totally comfortable with their choice.  It's US that is uncomfortable, so we make a plan to get them to do things in a way that makes us feel comfortable.  And then we can pat ourselves on the back for being so Christ like.

Next.

Chastity.  I hate how church culture teaches modesty and chastity.  We teach our girls that if they dress immodestly, then they’re sluts, and that will lead to sex and sex is bad.  We teach them that steady dating means they will kiss, and kissing means they’ll have sex and sex is bad.  NO!  I teach my boys that kissing leads to sex and sex is GOOD… In the right time and the right place.   It’s the timing that is bad or good.  Not dating, kissing, or sex.  It's no wonder so many of us have intimacy issues after we get married.  We’re taught that sex is BAD, BAD, BAD and then we sign a marriage certificate and suddenly sex is expected.  We try and scare the crap out of teenagers so that they don’t make a choice that WE can’t deal with instead of teaching them why it’s best to wait until after your married, and then let them choose.  We should spend a little more time including lessons about the atonement and repentance and teaching them that the atonement is for all mistakes.  Not just the ones that we allow them to make.

Why do we shame boys for having natural desires?  I made the mistake of talking to Michael and Jesse about pornography in the wrong way.  I told them how bad pornography is.  I told them how gross it is.  I told that they should NEVER look at it, and if they happened to see it, to let me know so that I could deal with it for them.

I talk to Jacob much different.  I tell Jacob that he WILL see pornography.  Intentionally or accidentally.  Probably both.  I also tell him that he will probably like it, and that will feel very confusing to him because he’ll know that pornography is not a good thing to look at.  That’s okay.  We can talk about it without telling him that he’s gross.  We can acknowledge that boys like naked girls, and that is a God-given thing.  The trick again, is timing.  It’s learning how and where to use those feelings in an appropriate way.  Disclaimer: I hate pornography. It’s a fact that its more addictive than many actual drugs.  I’m certainly not teaching my boys that it’s good.  I’m simply teaching them that feelings are normal, and the purpose of this life is learning to control our thoughts and feelings.  If they aren’t perfect at that right now, that’s okay.  That’s what the atonement is for.  That’s what tomorrow is for… To try again.

In my research class this week, we are learning about how science measures things.  We measure things with numbers.  There’s words like, qualitative, quantitative, validity, samples groups, etc.  That’s how the world measure things.  That’s how the world figures out the value of things.  That is not how God measures.  God does not determine our value or commitment to him based on our visiting teaching percentage.  He doesn’t base it on how many times a year we bear our testimony.  He doesn’t base it on how many leadership callings we have had, or how many answers we give in Sunday school.  He certainly doesn’t base it on how we dress or look.  In fact, I don’t think our value to him has ANYTHING to do with what we DO.  I think what we do shows our appreciation and love to him.  What we do is motivated by who we truly are inside.  Our commitment to him isn’t something that can be seen by anyone other than Him.  What I mean is that… People can do things for show.  People can do all the things they are supposed to do and still not have a Christ-like heart.  The other way around, too.

I recently started wearing a second pair of earrings again.  Just after I graduated HS, I heard President Hinckley give a talk, where he said that women should wear just ONE pair of earrings.  At the time, I had three holes in each ear, and one at the top of one of my ears.  At the time, President Hinckley’s advice spoke to my heart, and my heart told me I needed to back off the piercing game.  That advice no longer speaks to my heart, and it hasn’t for a long time.  The only reason I haven’t wore a second pair of earrings is because I wanted to look like I “measured up” to other people.  Guess what?  Wearing a pair of earrings, or not, doesn’t change who I am inside, and God knows who that is.  I don’t think God is judging me on how many ear rings I wear in my ear, so why am I trying to prove it to anyone who is weird enough to be checking my ears for what they measure as righteousness?

That was a lot.

The crazy thing, is that I could keep going.  I’m so confused.  I’m so frustrated.  I’m so overwhelmed, and I don’t know where to find answers.  The talk I was listening to today, advised to just increase my faith in order to find answers.  To increase my faith, I need to faithful things. I just kept thinking… I’m doing all those things, and my faith is diminishing!  Not increasing!  I’m doing all those things, and they’re making me feel worse!  So what then?!

A friend at church made a comment that did help, and that I’ve been thinking about it a lot.  She said that faith isn’t about being certain about things.  It’s simply about choosing to accept things when we aren’t certain.  Basically, choosing to have faith when we don’t have faith.

For now… I choose to have faith, even though I don’t feel like I have faith.