Random Rambles

Over the last few weeks, I've posted a few things on my social media accounts.  Actually, I should say social media account.  I've deleted all my accounts except Instagram, and the only reason I haven't deleted it, is because it is a much easier way for me to keep a family journal than good ol' fashioned blogging is.  

Anyway.  It's been brought to my attention from a few friends, that without any background or context, my posts could easily be misinterpreted.  I've been thinking about that a lot lately.  I think that there is a lot of that going around these days.  We see a few sentences that someone writes.  Or we see an article that someone shares, and we assume that we know exactly where they are coming from, and what they are thinking.  I think most of the time we are wrong.

For for 4 people that might read this post, but mostly for any of my people that might read this years in the future...  I do not doubt that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is, in fact, God's restored gospel on the earth today.  I do not doubt that we have prophets on the earth today.  I do not doubt that The Book of Mormon is a real record of real people.  I do not doubt that Joseph Smith saw what he said he saw.  

I was watching an interesting documentary a few nights ago where Zac Efron visited France.  Without all the details, he specifically visited a grotto that millions of people visit every year because Marie-Bernarde Suoubirous, a 14-year-old girls claims to have had a spiritual vision. People think the grotto waters have curative powers.  It's interesting me to that this story is widely accepted, or at the very least, not ridiculed, but a similar story of a 14 year-old boy stirs ups feelings of hate in people.

I follow a psychiatrist on YouTube that analyzes different people and events.  I've always enjoyed listening to his perspective until last week.  He did an "analysis" of Joseph Smith that was not only insulting, but just plain inaccurate.  I quickly realized that in thousands of comments, there was no one defending Joseph Smith, so I tried, but no one wanted to hear truth.  They were there to vilify someone that they don't actually know anything about.

I'm getting off-topic.  I do not doubt my testimony.  I do struggle with how imperfect people (I include myself in "imperfect people") interpret how to live the gospel.  In a nutshell, I struggle with "Mormon-Culture".

I think this is a good thing for me.  Sam has always struggled with this.  He's never felt like he "fits in" at church.  For over twenty years I've watched him try and "fit a square peg in to a round hole" because he believes that there are blessing for obedience.  There was a "minute" before we had kids that I got a little taste of that.  Utah church people would ask how long I'd been married.  I'd tell them "8 years" and already knew what the next question would be...  "How many kids do you have?"  I didn't feel like there was a place for me in the church then, but I also believed that it was temporary.  One way or another, I'd eventually have a family.

I think I better understand the struggle Sam has felt for most of his life, and I admire him even more for his commitment.  Doing the churchy part of the gospel has always been easy for me, which I now realize is not very impressive.  Everyone is willing to do something that is easy for them.  Not many people are willing to consistently do the hard-for-them things.

If you're still confused about what or why I'm feeling conflicted, join the club!  I am too!  The best I can figure is that the last year has shifted my perspective of the role the church plays in my life.  The church has always been the center of my life.  I've relied on the church to entertain me, teach me about Jesus, and teach my kids about Gods plan for us.  2020 made me realize that I shouldn't rely solely on the church for ANY of those things.  It's MY responsibility to strengthen my relationship with the Savior.  It's MY job to teach my kids about God's plan.  It's also okay for me to say "no" to some church activities.  I used to feel like it was my duty to attend ALL church activities as a way to show my support and commitment.  I don't feel like that anymore.  I guess, that's the problem.  I know that not being a "yes to everything" person, takes me out of the "club", and has the potential of making my friends feel uncomfortable around me.  :-(

2020 taught me many things, but as far as this topic goes, it taught me that the GOSPEL, not the church, needs to be the center of my life.  The church is there as tool that is available to help me and that "help" looks different for all of us.  Some people need the church to help them with a move or with their temporal needs.  Some people need the church to provide companionship or a social life.  Some people need the church to be a source of motivation for progression.  Some people need the church to provide a good network for their kids.  Some people need the church to provide opportunities to serve others.  Those are all good things!  I appreciate that they are ALL available.  I'm just trying to figure out which of those things are relevant to me, and which of those things I aren't, so that I can use my limited time in ways that are most productive in my life and to my family.