Random Rambles

  My heart hurts. This weekend was a lot for my mom heart.  Michael went to the temple on Friday and was set apart as a missionary tonight.  I'm so proud of him and the choices that he is making but for some reason my heart is aching.  My family as I've known it for the last 16 years is ending.  I keep reaching out to my partner, my friend, my husband...  And he's not there. I don't know what to do.  In these moments, I need my person.  I need him to extend love and comfort to me, but I don't think he has any to give right now. I sit here and wonder how I got here.  Where did I mess up?  What did I do to push him so far away?  What kind of person was I to him that made him close himself off to me?  Am I crazy?  Is this all in my head?   Will I ever feel loved again?

 Sam has left our relationship.  Not physically, but emotionally and that is a torture so painful I can't even explain. I still have hope that he will come back, but how long can hope override feeling rejected, disliked, and unwanted before it breaks me? We've moved a lot of times.  I think somewhere around 40 times.  I have a friend that always calls her house, "her home".  Example:  "Would you like to come over to my home for dinner?"  I've rarely referred to our house as "my home".  I think that is because... if every house I lived in was my home, I would have spent a lot of my life feeling sad to leave my home.  To me, Sam has always been my home.  Not even my kids...  Sam.  Sam is home.  Sam is where I belong.  Sam is where I retreat to when life gets too heavy. I feel homeless.  I feel lost, scared, and alone. I just want to go home.